Oh Wow What a Week – lessons in learning to respond not react

Oh Wow What a Week – lessons in learning to respond not react

The past seven days or so have been rather busy and somewhat draining. There is good stuff and not so good stuff.

The good stuff revolves around signing an associate trainer agreement with an organisation to deliver the courses I am accredited to do, on their behalf – the sort of work I enjoy. There is also more work being booked into the diary and some red hot prospects in discussion. These give me that cosy warm glow of accomplishment and satisfaction. With the not so good stuff, hang on a moment; let’s call a spade a spade. The bad stuff has been diverse and I told the universe (karma if you will) that I must be doing something right due to the flack I was taking!!

Yes, even I get flack and have to deal with it. So what flack? How have I dealt with it? How do I feel about it? Each issue has made me stop and think, and wonder how to respond. I have written elsewhere about responding to challenge rather than reacting against it. This week I have responded well – taking time to make considered decisions and take appropriate action. For once (yeah!), I have responded, not reacted, not fired from the hip and gaffed it, having to eat humble pie afterwards! So what am I patting myself on the back for? It is kind of hard to detail without divulging identities, which I wish to keep hidden in order to protect the innocent and the guilty. That said, the basic lessons are there and those I’ll share. And yes, some of the details have had to be fudged a bit for privacy (sorry)!

One of the groups I am an administrator is a social group. One of the lovely members posted an advert for a particular type of event in a particular type of venue. I loved the idea of the event, it personally appealed to me, and I am wondering if my diary will let me include it, so I was happy to approve the post. More importantly, that post fitted the group ethos. A few days later one of the members attacked the event in the venue, dogmatically quoting higher authority as to why it was wrong for that event to occur in that venue. Initially, I was somewhat gobsmacked that this type of fundamentalism was happening in my community; but then, going back 20 or so years I might have done the same thing (I have, I hope learned a thing or two in the intervening time!). The comments were verging on the personal in terms of their criticism and judgement.

But how was I going to deal with it? I know of other groups that would have simply barred the criticiser, for not conforming to the group’s aims, goals and accepted behaviour; but I wanted to be inclusive. To me barring the person would have been just as unacceptable as the posts I was seeing and I learnt growing up that two wrongs do not make a right. So my actions, in short, were to let the advert stand, delete all the comments (both the supportive and the judgemental ones) and block future commenting on that post so it could not re-start. I added a note that the social group was that – a social group, there were other, more suitable forums, for “that type” of discussion, but this group was not one of them. Via a direct message an apology was given to the event advertiser, telling them what I had done and asking if they were happy with that (they were, thank you). I then decided to wait a few days to see what transpired, if anything new. To my mind, an apology was due from the person to the advertiser, a common courtesy.

I can note that no apology will be given as the person causing the problem has left the social group. We could read all sorts of things into that, but we should not as it would be speculation based on our personal subjectivity and life experience. If they ever read this blog and recognise themselves – I bear you no malice and sincerely wish you well.

What else has happened? Ah yes, I was nearly assaulted by a gobby mouthed seven year old in public. Goodness gracious me! Do you remember those days when you are walking somewhere with your children and one of them has a total meltdown; the terrible two’s that can become terrible three’s and foul four’s? I heard the commotion and stopped to people watch. My heart melted for the mom trying to assuage a toddler (the middle child) having a tantrum, rolling on the pavement and screaming loudly whilst an older child was fuelling the fire and yelling at mom to get a move on – it appeared to me that this one was playing up, demanding attention, trying to distract Mom from the heaving fireball writhing on the ground. In a buggy safely strapped in, sat the little one, bless them, oblivious to the chaos ensuing behind. Mom did what all moms do in this situation – picked up the wriggling screamer, grabbed the buggy handle and walked on… for about 3 steps. For her efforts, the middle child in her arms hit her several times in the face, wriggled like an eel and had to put down for their own safety. A few moments later mom picked this one up again (still screaming) and progressed a few more steps before the elder child took a running swipe at them, missed and almost ended up in the road (thank goodness there were no cars). Jo Public was either staring or embarrassed and walked on by. Those with children of a similar age range were no doubt thinking “And there but by the grace of God go I!”

At this point, I couldn’t help it. Mom needed another pair of hands. If someone pushed the buggy, that gave her two hands to calm the middle child down and perhaps the older child would be happier as peace would have been restored and progress towards home would have been made. So I walked over. Without going into detail the older child screamed at me, threatening to hit me (not once but twice). They very loudly didn’t care that mom needed help; I just had to go away. Realising I was might be making matters worse I apologised to Mom and left, getting out of the line of sight by heading off down a cut-through.

I have no idea how that debacle turned out. I can only imagine what I would have done in that situation and tears are included. Could I have done better? Been more effective? Certainly. The older child may have believed they were protecting Mom from a stranger and I can understand that, but violence, actual or threatened has not, does not and never will make things better. I have said before that if we ever have world war three it will decide what is left, and not who is right. And where and from whom did the older child learn that behaviour? My mind boggles. Mom, if you ever read this and would like a cup of tea – contact me. At the very least I would like to give you a hug, a few moments of downtime and commiserate that raising children can be b****y difficult at times. Been there, done that, and we survive to tell the tales!

The third contentious issue concerned a blog post I wrote. Well, sort of wrote. I quoted from someone else’s post as I thought the post was a good one. Being a fair individual and liking to give credit where it is due I cited the original author, as one should. It did not take long before comments and personal messages started being received about fraud, lies and a variety of falsehoods revolving around that other author. Looking at it logically, it sounded initially like some people had revenge and retribution as their agenda. That is how the messages came across. I looked at the words I was quoting in my article, in their own right they were good, very good and I had quoted from a good post. If the author had done a crime and done the time then that was okay by me.

It took a persistent phone caller – you know the ones you play telephone hopscotch with. They call and you are driving so cannot answer. You call them and it goes to voicemail. They call you back and you are in a meeting and cannot take their call. You call them and again it goes to voicemail, and you begin to wonder if it is a joke or one of “those” phone calls – you know the type, PPI, telemarketing or similar. The persistent caller and I did eventually speak. The short version is this. Despite the post being a good one, it is possible that the fraud, lies and falsehoods may be continuing. I, therefore decided, for the greater good, to take my blog down. If someone was to follow up the original author and any difficulties ensued, I would be mortified! That said I shall in time write another version of that article using my own experience. And in the interim, there is a person on social media I shall be keeping a distant eye on!

Photo by Rich Jones

Why this picture? Because it is a good picture and I am sharing good things! Photo by Rich Jones on Unsplash

Ending on a good note – there are other good things that have happened in the past week too. I received my tax calculations back from the accountant; there is less tax due than I thought. Looking forward to next week I will take a train heading north and add a seventh course to my portfolio of mental health awareness and first aid courses.  Have a good one. Week, that is 🙂

 

React or Respond to a Challenge?

React or Respond to a Challenge?

We ALL face challenges in life, this is common to the human condition. Some of those challenges are greater than others. We may view barking our shin on a piece of furniture as a low-level challenge and being diagnosed with cancer as a very high-level challenge. What counts, and what makes the difference for us is whether we respond to a challenge or react to it. Let me explain.

Let’s use the barking of our shin on a piece of furniture as our example:

  • If I react to the pain in my shin I may swear, rub my shin, shove the offending piece of furniture away from me, yell at the children for moving the piece of furniture out of position, complain to everyone who will listen about the lump on my leg and how much it hurts, refer back to it often and give the children dark looks for the rest of the day.
  • If I respond to the pain in my shin I may rub it, cry “Ouch!” check my shin and realise it was only bruised, put the piece of furniture back into position, enquire if the children had moved it and discuss how the accident occurred, how it could have been much worse and ask them to ensure furniture is returned to its place whenever it is moved (even if accidentally). Then I’d get on with my day as it has been dealt with and no one else needs to know.

What happened when I responded to my bruised shin is I REFRAMED what had happened to a positive learning experience for the children. When I react negatively to something like this everyone is left feeling miserable, including myself.

Looking at the photo I have used for this post – when you climb to the top of the one pinnacle do you react by climbing down and complaining about it or do you respond by jumping the gap? We may not be able to control what happens to us, but we can control what we do about it.

Respond or React

Respond and jump, react and climb down. You choose.

A special friend of mine Sophie Personne, author of Your Other Half (a book about relationships I reviewed here) had a pretty awful year in 2017. Sophie has worked hard turning the negatives of 2017 into positives. She shares some great lessons in her talks and workshops and you can learn more here.

It doesn’t matter what challenges we face, we have the choice to react or respond. Which would you choose?